


So Much More

by Usami_chan13



Category: Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M, Gen, One-Sided Relationship, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-29
Updated: 2012-05-29
Packaged: 2017-11-06 05:34:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/415306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Usami_chan13/pseuds/Usami_chan13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>/post "Belly of the Beast"/ "I just want you to know…I’m glad to have you. As my friend."</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Much More

**Author's Note:**

> Sprx POV.

_I just want you to know…I’m glad to have you. As my friend._

What a joke _that_ was! But then again…I suppose the joke’s on me…

_As my friend…_

What was wrong with me? How could I say something like _that_? Wasn’t it the perfect chance to say what I really thought? How I really felt…how I still feel?

_You can’t help it. You’re the dumb monkey._

I guess you were right. You had been right all along. I really _am_ the dumb monkey. Because only a dumb monkey like me could say something like that when there was so much more to it.

When had it happened? When had all the teasing, all the fun, all the flirting…when did I see the truth behind it all? Maybe it had always been there, and the things that I had said and done were just ways of me expressing the things even I wasn’t aware of. But _when_ is what I wanted to know. If this is how I have always felt, when did I finally see it?

More importantly…when did _you_ see it?

Maybe you haven’t yet. Maybe you haven’t seen what I really think about you. Maybe you don’t know how I really feel.

But if you don’t, that’s not your fault. It’s mine. It’s my fault for not being able to tell you everything. For hiding the truth from you.

_As my friend…_

What’s the term I’m looking for? Cop out, I think. Because I had the perfect opportunity…the perfect opening to let you know that you meant so much more to me than anything. But instead, I backed out and said those three awful words.

_As my friend…_

I said those words…because it felt safe.

When I first found out…when I first knew how much you really mean to me…I’ll be honest, it really scared me. How much I wanted you, how much I needed you…how I noticed the way you talked, the way you moved, just everything about you…It was all so amazing. But it really scared me…this feeling, this desire to always be near you.

And the fact that you scared me so much just scared me more.

I guess maybe that’s why I kept up all the teasing and the senseless flirting…all the jokes that made you so mad. It kept me at a comfortable distance from you so that we could still be friends, but left you angry enough with me so that it would seem like we could never really be more than that. At least…that’s what I thought. To you, I’m sure you just thought I was being obnoxious or something.

I can’t blame you, really. That was kind of what I was going for.

It was enough to be near you. I mean, it would have been nice for something more, something deeper. But I convinced myself that just being able to work with you, to live with you, to be as close to you as I am was enough for me to be content.

Not _happy_ …but content.

There was a difference. I learned that soon enough.

Because even if I thought that what we had was enough, and even though I kept up all the jokes and teasing, part of me still wanted more than that. Part of me wanted more than just what was comfortable, more than just being friends.

So much more than that.

And I’ve thought about it a lot. Boy, have I thought about it. I’ve always tried to imagine, always wondered what it could be like…if we had _that_ kind of relationship. If we had…something that special.

Then there was always the danger of loss. I wasn’t stupid enough to think that I could never lose you, or that I’d always be with you. I couldn’t really believe that we’d always be together…not with what we do for a living.

It was those tough situations that I really want to tell you how I feel. Because if I never saw you again, you should at least know what I think of you. How…much I really care about you.

But it wasn’t until recently that I found out how much losing you would really hurt.

When Antauri was gone, it had been different. Thinking that he’d never come back…Yeah, it hurt. Losing him that way sank in painfully quick, and I was so relieved when he came back to us.

But when we lost you…when _I_ had lost you because I couldn’t hold on to you…couldn’t protect you when you needed me the most…everything seemed so unreal. That truth was something that I didn’t – couldn’t – grasp at all, even though it had happened by _my_ hands. I just wanted everything to stop and rewind. I was willing to do anything to get you back.

And the pain…the terrible sensation of watching as you disappeared before my eyes…I didn’t know what to do. In that one instance, I felt so…empty. I had been so sure that my heart had stopped…and would never work again…

Along with that pain returned the fear…the fear I have of you…The fear that only you could make me feel.

The fear of needing you so badly.

And I thought…if feeling this deeply about you…and then feeling such fear and pain if I ever truly lost you…what would happen if you felt the same way about me? Would I only end up putting you through that same kind of suffering?

I didn’t know what to make of it. I had always wanted to be close to you, even if my fear had kept me away for so long. But if it would only lead to pain like that…I wasn’t so sure.

I couldn’t describe how I felt when you came back to us. Seeing that you were okay and that you were back, it seemed like a giant weight had been taken off of me. To say that I was happy would be a huge understatement.

But I had to make a decision. After all, you had come back, but we still may not be together forever. There could come a time…when we could be separated for good. And as selfish as it sounds, I don’t want to go through that pain again. I don’t want… _you_ to go through it either.

_I’m glad to have you. As my friend._

Because if we were just friends, losing each other wouldn’t hurt so much…right?

I just seem to be wrong about everything.

We may be just friends, but I could never fool myself into thinking that’s _all_ I felt for you. I could never convince myself of that even if I really _did_ want to.

And it took a lot more thinking for me to realize that I really don’t want something like that. Because being ‘just friends’ with you could hurt so much more than everything else. In a way…I’d still be losing you, wouldn’t I? Losing the chance of being with you even though you were right there beside me. Wouldn’t that hurt more than just admitting my true feelings?

But you seem satisfied with just being friends. Is that all you really want from me? Just my friendship?

I guess…I don’t really blame you for that either. I don’t really have much to offer you. I mean…I can’t even tell you what I really think of you. And you deserve so much better than that.

You deserve so much more…than me…

So I suppose…things will go back to the way they were before. At least as much as it can given the circumstances. I’ll probably end up teasing you about the hug.

And then you’ll get mad and-or annoyed with me.

And then our relationship will be the same as it was.

And I’ll go back to being content with it all.

Content…but not really happy.

It really kind of sucks.

But if you’re fine with just being friends, then that’s what we’ll do. As long as I can still watch you and be close to you, I’ll be all right…I think.

Even if these feelings never go away.

_I just want you to know…I’m glad to have you. As my friend._

But no matter what I say or how I act, you’ll always mean so much more to me than that.

So much more…


End file.
